There are two guarantees in life: You’re going to work, and you’re going to experience tragedy.
Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg’s latest project is focused on that intersection: What happens when something traumatic happens to you or someone you know in the midst of an otherwise normal life and career?
“Option B,” the new book by Sandberg and University of Pennsylvania professor Adam Grant, explores research on grief and resilience, set against Sandberg’s experience after her husband Dave Goldberg died suddenly of cardiac arrhythmia two years ago while on a family vacation, leaving behind Sandberg and two young children.
Sandberg and Grant sat down to discuss these themes with Ariel Investments president Mellody Hobson as part of the Chicago Humanities Festival last weekend. And while Sandberg grew up in Miami, and oversees Facebook operations from Menlo Park, her story has some Chicago connections: Her husband Dave Goldberg was born in Chicago (and his 103-year-old great aunt was at the event). Sandberg and Grant kicked off the Option B’s companion website with a feature on Chicago startup SLAP'D, a nonprofit that helps teens who have lost a parent.
While “Lean In” was about breaking down barriers to ambition, “Option B” is about what happens when you face insurmountable challenges. In the conversation with Hobson, Sandberg and Grant discussed how tragedy can inspire a perspective shift, how to find joy in the midst of sadness, and ways to grow from trauma. They also discussed how to better support those who are facing tough times (beyond asking “Let me know how I can help”).
Resilience...is a muscle, and we build it
“Resilience is not something we have a fixed amount of, it is a muscle, and we build it,” Sandberg said. “We don’t build it all the time, and not everyone recovers from everything. But we can build it in ourselves, each other and in our community.”
Here are three takeaways from Sandberg and Grant’s conversation with Hobson:
A shift in perspective can go a long way in recovering from tragedy.
In the early days, Grant had a somewhat unconventional way of comforting Sandberg. He pointed out that things could have been worse: Her husband could have had his cardiac arrhythmia while driving with their two children.
“Immediately, even in those early moments of grief for that minute I was like, ‘I’m good,’” Sandberg said. “Kids are alive. I’m fine. Hadn’t occurred to me that I could have lost all three."
The practice of shifting perspective to focus on gratitude is something that Sandberg has taken from the experience. Each night she writes down three things that brought her joy (as simple as a good cup of coffee or hug from her son, she noted), as a way to keep her gratitude front and center.
If someone you know is going through a difficult time, do not say “Let me know how I can help.”
The phrase “let me know how I can help” actually shifts the burden to the person who is suffering, Grant pointed out. It’s up to them to reach out to you when their mind is scattered and they’re likely dealing with many other tasks.
“Instead of offering anything… you should just do something,” he said. Bring them a meal or cut their lawn, for example.
If your employee or coworker is transitioning back to work after a tragedy, think about how to bring them back up to speed. Sandberg said her confidence was “trashed” after Goldberg died.
There is no joy without sadness, there is no sadness without joy.
“When Dave died, I couldn’t go to work and not think about him for an hour,” she said. And for someone who wrote a book about confidence in the workplace, this was disheartening, she said.
However, in addition to giving her the time off she needed to grieve, Sandberg noted that her boss, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg would compliment her contributions in meetings and brush off her small missteps saying, “You would have made that mistake before.”
That “compassion and acknowledgement” were key, said Sandberg.
“When someone comes back to work, if they choose to be there, I go out of my way to compliment what they do, and ask, ‘Do you want this project? We still believe in you,” she said.
There are ways to become resilient before you experience adversity.
Very few things always feel bad forever, Grant pointed out. “We overlook our emotional immune system,” he said. “We [need to] learn to pay attention to the fluctuations, the variations, the moments where it is better.”
One way is to start cultivating those moments of gratitude, he said.
“The more you build that habit up, the easier it is to stick with it when things fall apart,” Grant said. “Also we realize that joy doesn’t just give us happiness, it gives us strength. You build up those moments of joy, and you realize that life I really worth living.
This, said Sandberg, can help turn your tragedy into a moment of growth.
“You’re going to be different,” Sandberg said. “I have perspective I didn’t have before. Mark [Zuckerberg] says I’m calmer. I am.”
But, “it’s not better,” she explained. “It’s not in aggregate all better. It’s up, it's down, it’s grief, it’s joy. There is no joy without sadness, there is no sadness without joy.”
Note: Updated to clarify Sandberg grew up in Miami.
